Living With Chronic Illness

It’s the holiday season, the most wonderful time of the year for many people. There’s the shopping, cleaning, visiting, preparing the house for guests, putting up Christmas decorations and much more while all of this is enjoyable, and most people seem to be in a kinder, happier mood, things are very different for a person living with a chronic illness, such as fibromyalgia. 

We only have so many spoons to start our day. We struggle to et through even an ordinary day. If this is your reality, I believe you have two choices: you either continue pushing past your limits and celebrate the holidays as usual, causing a flare so that you’re sick during the holiday or you’ll mindfully change how you celebrate the holidays.

You’ll try to celebrate by creating new ways to celebrate, such as having a pot luck meal, simplifying your decorations, sourcing out your baking and simplifying gift giving so that you’re only purchasing for one or two people as opposed to ten people, you may want to also set a dollar limit on your gift-giving as well so that you don’t go overboard on spending. That way, your finances will be in better shape when the new year rolls around.

In short, this can be the most wonderful time of year, even for fibromates or people living with chronic illness. We could enjoy the holidays by accepting that our celebrating will be very different this year. It doesn’t mean our celebrations have to be minimal. But it may mean that our future celebrations have to be rethought and revised to fit our new normal.

Fibromates, individuals living with fibromyalgia, often face pressure to appear strong and resilient despite their chronic pain and fatigue. While resilience is important, it can become toxic when it involves ignoring personal limits, suppressing emotions, and pushing through pain at the expense of well-being. Avoiding toxic resilience requires a balance between perseverance and self-care.

Fibromates can avoid toxic resilience by embracing a healthier, more balanced form of resilience—one that recognizes the importance of emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Here are some key strategies to foster this approach:

1. Embrace Vulnerability

True resilience doesn’t mean always being strong; it means acknowledging when you’re struggling and being open to receiving support. Vulnerability is a key part of resilience because it allows fibromates to express their feelings honestly, which is essential for emotional health. By sharing their struggles with trusted friends, family, or support groups, fibromates can build deeper connections and receive the understanding they need.

2. Set Boundaries

Fibromates must learn to say “no” when necessary and prioritize their health over external expectations. Setting boundaries in work, social life, and even with family members is essential to avoiding overexertion and managing energy levels. This doesn’t mean abandoning commitments entirely but making mindful choices that prioritize personal well-being over people-pleasing.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that one would offer a close friend. Fibromates should be mindful of negative self-talk, guilt, or frustration when symptoms flare up or when they need to rest. Instead, they can cultivate self-compassion by recognizing that chronic illness naturally comes with ups and downs and that it’s okay to have bad days.

4. Engage in Mindful Self-Care

Resilience can be supported by consistent self-care practices that nurture both body and mind. Gentle physical activity like yoga, stretching, or walking can help reduce stiffness and improve mood, but it’s important to listen to the body and not push beyond its limits. Similarly, mindfulness practices such as meditation, journaling, or deep-breathing exercises can reduce stress and help fibromates manage the emotional challenges of their condition.

5. Communicate Your Needs

Fibromates often feel misunderstood because fibromyalgia is an invisible illness. Clear communication about personal needs and limitations is crucial. This might involve explaining to family, friends, or employers what it’s like to live with fibromyalgia and how they can provide support. Effective communication can help fibromates avoid the trap of toxic resilience by fostering understanding and preventing unrealistic expectations from others.

For fibromates, cultivating resilience is essential, but it must be balanced with self-care, emotional openness, and an acceptance of personal limitations. By recognizing the signs of toxic resilience and adopting strategies for healthy resilience, fibromates can better navigate the challenges of living with fibromyalgia. Rather than pushing through pain and suppressing their struggles, they can build a supportive, compassionate approach that honors their unique journey.

Living with fibromyalgia brings a complex web of physical and emotional challenges, but one of the more insidious aspects often overlooked is the impact of the inner critic. That persistent voice within—the one that questions your worth, belittles your efforts, and compares you to others—can amplify the struggles that fibromyalgia already places on your body and mind.

The combination of chronic pain and fatigue is tough enough without the added burden of self-doubt. So, how can fibromates (people with fibromyalgia) effectively silence this inner critic?

Here are some strategies that fibromates can adopt to quiet that voice, nurture self-compassion, and reclaim a sense of inner peace.

1. Acknowledge the Inner Critic Without Judgment

Before you can begin silencing the inner critic, it’s essential to recognize its presence. For many people, the inner critic becomes such a familiar voice that they may mistake it for truth. It whispers in moments of weakness, exaggerating feelings of failure or inadequacy. Fibromates, often dealing with the limitations imposed by chronic illness, may feel especially vulnerable to these attacks.

The key to addressing the inner critic is recognizing it without becoming emotionally entangled. Instead of seeing these thoughts as part of your identity, view them as a temporary mental state. You could say, “That’s just my inner critic talking,” rather than, “I am a failure.” By acknowledging its presence without judgment, you create a space between yourself and the criticism, making it easier to challenge.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is one of the most effective ways to counter the voice of the inner critic. Fibromates often face feelings of guilt for not being able to “do more,” whether it’s due to fatigue, pain, or flare-ups. These moments can leave you feeling like you’re not living up to societal expectations or your personal goals.

Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have limits, and it’s okay to have bad days. One technique is to replace negative self-talk with compassionate affirmations. For instance, instead of saying, “I’m useless today because I can’t get out of bed,” say, “I’m doing the best I can today, and that’s enough.” Acknowledge your effort, even if it’s just getting through the day.

By consciously developing a habit of self-compassion, the inner critic loses its grip. Over time, it becomes easier to reframe negative thoughts and build a more nurturing internal dialogue.

3. Mindfulness to Diffuse Negative Thoughts

Mindfulness is an excellent tool for quieting the inner critic. When you practice mindfulness, you train your brain to stay in the present moment, rather than letting it ruminate on past failures or future anxieties. For fibromates, mindfulness can help reduce stress, which is known to trigger fibromyalgia symptoms. But it also has the added benefit of reducing the power of the inner critic by fostering a non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts.

When critical thoughts arise, notice them, but don’t engage. A mindfulness technique might involve focusing on your breathing, anchoring your attention in the present, and observing those negative thoughts as if they were clouds passing in the sky. They exist, but they do not have to define you or your reality.

By regularly practicing mindfulness, you’ll cultivate a calmer, clearer mind, making it harder for the inner critic to dominate your thoughts. Apps like Headspace, Calm, or even short guided meditations on YouTube can be great starting points.

4. Challenge Unrealistic Expectations

The inner critic often thrives on unrealistic expectations, telling you that you should be able to do more, be more, or achieve more. For fibromates, this voice can become particularly cruel, as chronic illness can impose significant limitations on daily life.

Take time to evaluate your expectations. Are they realistic given your current health? Are they driven by societal pressures or comparisons with others who do not face the same challenges? The reality is that fibromyalgia changes the rules. What might have been achievable before your diagnosis may no longer be realistic. And that’s okay.

Challenge your inner critic by reframing these expectations. Set small, achievable goals that respect your body’s needs. Celebrate every win, no matter how small. If your goal was to rest when needed and you accomplished that, it’s still a victory. Adjusting your expectations and setting realistic benchmarks will reduce the fuel that feeds the inner critic.

5. Build a Support System

Finally, one of the most powerful ways to silence the inner critic is through connection with others. Fibromates often feel isolated, especially if those around them don’t fully understand the impact of fibromyalgia. But isolation can exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and make the inner critic even louder.

Reach out to a support network of people who understand or are willing to listen without judgment. Whether it’s a close friend, family member, or an online fibromyalgia community, having people to talk to can help dispel the negative narrative you may be telling yourself. Sometimes, an outside perspective can be the reminder you need that you’re doing enough, you are enough, and your experience is valid.

Fibromyalgia, a chronic condition characterized by widespread pain, fatigue, and cognitive difficulties, is often accompanied by emotional and psychological challenges. Many individuals diagnosed with fibromyalgia (often referred to as fibromates within support groups) navigate these difficulties through various coping strategies.

One such strategy, resilience, is often encouraged as a means to manage the unpredictable nature of fibromyalgia. However, resilience, when misunderstood or misapplied, can become “toxic resilience,” a harmful approach that exacerbates emotional and physical stress rather than alleviating it. Understanding how fibromates can avoid toxic resilience is crucial for maintaining holistic well-being.

Toxic resilience occurs when individuals feel pressured to maintain a facade of strength, positivity, and endurance, even at the expense of their emotional, physical, and mental health. This can stem from societal expectations, internalized beliefs about strength, or advice from well-meaning friends and family who encourage a “just keep going” mentality.

While resilience is generally seen as the ability to adapt to challenges and bounce back from adversity, toxic resilience becomes a problem when it leads to denial of personal limits, avoidance of emotional vulnerability, and neglect of self-care.

In the context of fibromyalgia, toxic resilience can be particularly dangerous. Because fibromyalgia symptoms are unpredictable and vary in intensity, fibromates may feel pressured to downplay their struggles or push through pain to meet societal expectations or avoid disappointing others. Over time, this can worsen symptoms, lead to emotional burnout, and increase feelings of isolation.

Recognizing the Signs of Toxic Resilience

To avoid toxic resilience, fibromates must first recognize its signs. Here are a few red flags that indicate resilience may have crossed into toxic territory:

Minimizing Pain and Fatigue:

Constantly downplaying or ignoring the intensity of physical pain and fatigue can be a sign of toxic resilience. If a fibromate feels compelled to put on a brave face or push through despite severe discomfort, they may be sacrificing their well-being for the sake of appearing strong.

Ignoring Emotional Needs:

Fibromates may feel that expressing their emotional struggles would make them seem weak or incapable of handling their condition. This could lead to suppressing emotions like frustration, sadness, or anger, which are natural responses to living with a chronic illness.

Fear of Letting Others Down:

Fibromates may find themselves overcommitting to social, family, or work obligations to avoid disappointing others. This can result in overextending themselves physically and emotionally, leading to flare-ups of symptoms and increasing the risk of burnout.

Reluctance to Ask for Help:

Asking for help can feel like an admission of defeat, especially for those trying to maintain a resilient front. However, this reluctance can lead to isolation and exacerbate feelings of loneliness.

Perfectionism:

Some fibromates may believe that they need to manage their condition “perfectly” and feel guilty when they have bad days or setbacks. This self-imposed pressure can create unnecessary stress and prevent them from accepting their limitations.

In today’s fast-paced world, many people wrestle with a harsh inner critic, which can be demoralizing and unproductive. Learning how to be self-compassionate instead of self-critical is a transformative step toward better mental health, stronger resilience, and a more fulfilling life.

Rather than constantly finding fault with ourselves, self-compassion teaches us to offer the same kindness and understanding to ourselves that we would give to a friend in need. Here’s how you can cultivate self-compassion and quiet your inner critic.

1. Understand the Nature of Self-Criticism

The first step toward becoming self-compassionate is to understand where your self-criticism stems from. Often, it’s a learned behavior—perhaps from parents, peers, or societal pressures—that leads us to believe that being hard on ourselves will push us to perform better or avoid mistakes. In reality, this approach can lead to shame, anxiety, and a fear of failure. Self-criticism is a defense mechanism designed to protect us from perceived inadequacy, but it can have damaging long-term effects on our emotional well-being. Recognizing this is crucial to changing the narrative.

2. Practice Mindful Awareness

Mindfulness is a powerful tool in shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion. Mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment, creating a space where you can become aware of your self-critical tendencies. Instead of getting caught up in a cycle of negativity, mindfulness teaches you to simply notice these thoughts, acknowledge their presence, and let them go. The next time you notice yourself being overly critical, pause and ask yourself, “Would I say this to a close friend?” This simple act of awareness can create a shift in how you relate to yourself.

3. Reframe Your Inner Dialogue

Self-compassion starts with changing your inner dialogue. We are often far more critical of ourselves than we are of others. A critical inner voice might say, “I’m such a failure,” or “I never get things right.” Reframing this inner dialogue involves challenging these negative thoughts and replacing them with more compassionate ones. Instead of berating yourself for a mistake, try saying, “I made a mistake, but that’s okay. I’m still learning.” This change in language helps you become more accepting of your imperfections and reduces the pressure to be perfect.

4. Recognize Your Common Humanity

A key component of self-compassion, as described by Dr. Kristin Neff, is recognizing our shared human experience. Self-criticism often stems from a belief that we are alone in our suffering or shortcomings. However, mistakes and failures are part of being human; everyone experiences them. When we remind ourselves that we’re not alone, it becomes easier to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves. This common humanity helps us feel connected rather than isolated in our struggles.

5. Develop Self-Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a vital part of self-compassion. Holding onto guilt, shame, or regret over past actions only fuels self-criticism. Learning to forgive yourself means accepting that you’re not perfect and that you will make mistakes along the way. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior, but it does mean acknowledging that you did the best you could with the resources and understanding you had at the time. Self-forgiveness opens the door to healing and growth, allowing you to move forward with a lighter heart.

6. Focus on Self-Care

Being self-compassionate also involves taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. When we neglect our own well-being, it becomes easier to fall into patterns of self-criticism. Simple acts of self-care—like eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, and setting aside time for relaxation—can boost your mood and energy levels, making it easier to be kind to yourself. Self-compassion isn’t just a mental practice; it’s also about treating your body with the love and respect it deserves.

7. Practice Gratitude and Self-Appreciation

It’s easy to focus on our flaws and failures while ignoring our strengths and accomplishments. Practicing gratitude and self-appreciation can help shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right. Take time each day to reflect on your achievements, no matter how small, and express gratitude for the good things in your life. When you start to appreciate your efforts and qualities, your inner critic naturally quiets down. Make a habit of acknowledging your progress and celebrating your successes, even if they seem insignificant.

8. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

The people we surround ourselves with can significantly impact our self-talk. If you’re constantly around people who are critical or unsupportive, it can be challenging to cultivate self-compassion. On the other hand, being in the presence of individuals who are kind, encouraging, and understanding can inspire you to treat yourself with the same kindness. Seek out friends, family, or mentors who lift you up and reinforce positive self-worth. Their support can help counterbalance any internal criticism you might be struggling with.

Shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion is a gradual but deeply rewarding process. It requires mindfulness, patience, and a willingness to challenge old thought patterns. By reframing your inner dialogue, recognizing your shared humanity, and practicing self-forgiveness, you can learn to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you deserve. Ultimately, self-compassion leads to greater emotional resilience, a healthier relationship with yourself, and a more fulfilling life.