There’s no doubt, living with chronic illness opens up to a lot of physical, psychological and social challenges. Not only do we experience pain and fatigue because of our chronic illness. But other people who aren’t chronically ill may not understand what we’re going through.
This can make it hard for us to cope and have a ‘normal’ life, one that’s imbued with energy and vitality, leading to stress and overwhelm. We can feel unheard and it may feel like we’re all alone in the world because of our chronic illness and low energy that results. It can be hard to function when we see everyone is hurrying past us. Yet, we can hardly get through the day without pain and extreme fatigue.
When we feel less than others, a feeling of isolation and loneliness follows. People deal with loneliness very differently, depending on their personality and character. Some of us hate being alone and avoid it at all costs. Some others can tolerate being alone for a while. Still others set-up times for solitude regularly. And then at the other extreme, there are people who thrive on being alone so that they can replenish and nourish themselves. They are usually homebodies and they love their own company. Such people are in the minority. But still they exist.
Regardless of where we are on this social-aloneness- spectrum, this feeling of isolation and loneliness can be a real problem for the chronically ill. This feeling can cause undue stress and psychological pain. Some of us may even feel that other people don’t want to be around us because we can’t measure up.
This article is for people who either hate being alone, or tolerate it in small amounts. I believe that most people fit into this psychological framework. Therefore, I’ll offer a few tips on how to cope with being alone for those of us who are convinced that being alone is awful.
Here are a few tips to consider:
*1. Realize that being alone isn’t necessarily bad. Our culture always seems to be socializing. In all the commercials on TV, people are usually socializing, eating some kind of takeout food, and smiling ear to ear. If we believe this is how we should also live, we will feel empty and left out because this isn’t the reality for the chronically ill.
Socializing all the time is definitely over-rated. There are people who love socializing and who always are actively engaged with others. Then we become chronically ill and we can’t do as much as many people. This can make us feel less than others.
Further, if you have friends who don’t live with a chronic illness, they probably won’t understand if you have to take the evening off to rest. Eventually, you’ll have to find new friends, ones who understand you or at least are compassionate towards what you are going through.
You may feel alone for a while. And that’s okay. Take some time to journal, or find a few new hobbies. You may want to join an online group of people who are going through what you are. There are quite a few online groups out there.
So, you may have to look at your situation through a self-compassionate lens, not one created by our culture, but one that you create for yourself by accepting where you are, and recreating a life for yourself that’s in line with your new reality.
*2. Honor your new reality. Having a chronic illness can force you to rethink what’s most important. You may have to become countercultural. Many of us believe that if we’re alone, we’re naturally lonely. But this doesn’t necessarily have to be the case. Sometimes we may need to cultivate solitude. It is because it’ll help us feel less stressed.
Some individuals who live with chronic illness, such as fibromyalgia, for example, need pockets of peace and quiet regularly in order to function well. Noise and busyness may actually cause us to feel more frustrated, stressed, and even overwhelmed. Therefore, we may have to cultivate times of peace and quiet on a daily. During such times, try to do quiet things, such as read, meditate, or just do nothing.
Therefore, take the time to listen to what your heart is saying to you. If you need to have a quiet evening at home, sitting by the fireplace, sipping some herbal tea and reading a book, then make sure to make space for that. Or you may want to take a bubble bath and go to bed early. You’ll feel better tomorrow.
*3. Don’t compare yourself to others. Many chronically ill struggle to create a new life for themselves. They feel out of place because we can’t measure up to the societal yardstick of what we ‘should’ be doing and how they ‘should’ be living. Could this be because we’re always comparing ourselves to others?
If we look at how the media is encouraging us to live, it basically makes no sense, not even for healthy people. We are continually tempted to eat food that is filled with fat and sugar, some of which isn’t even real food. Commercials show people sitting in front of large TV screens watching sports, binging on junk food and drinking alcohol for hours on end. This is an unhealthy picture of how we should live.
Fitting in is always a problem for the chronically ill. We want to fit in, regardless of what it costs us. But sometimes the price is high. Before we push ourselves past our limits, we should realize that this attitude won’t help us to feel better. Instead, we’ll feel even more isolated.
Therefore, we must reassess our lifestyle so that it is in line with our chronic illness. For example, we must determine how much time we need to be social and when we need solitude, to do some of the things we really want to do, or just to rest.
We’re not automatons. Just because we’re living with a chronic illness doesn’t mean that we have to be sucked into a negative mire of loneliness. We can create a life that is healthy, sane, and one which will help us live the healthiest and most fulfilling life.
Irene Roth
Living With Chronic Illness 